The Parent-Child Relationship
Back when my three children were under the age of six, I had the best intentions and loved them deeply. Yet those years were challenging. Small kids display small kids behaviors such as whining, crying, or fighting with their sibs and it can be so tiring.
I think most parents with multiple small children are in the trenches during those early years, even if just slightly. But looking back, I can see that many factors were contributing to how hard it was — the biggest factor being I was overfocused on their behavior.
In many ways, I was probably like most parents. I wanted my kids to be kind, self-sufficient, confident, and contributing. I wanted to raise good humans. Yet, I immersed myself in parenting as if it were a competitive sport. Their behavior was evidence of my performance. If they were well-behaved, that meant I was doing well. When their behavior was off, that meant I was doing poorly. I vowed to learn more and try harder. Over time, my instincts to nurture and guide were replaced with interventions I had learned in books. I became so consumed with their behavior that I started to lose sight of the relationships I was creating with them (and with myself).
Thankfully, by the time my youngest was 2, I landed in a parenting course facilitated by Susie Walton, who later became a mentor. I walked into Susie’s class expecting to learn parenting techniques. I wanted to know exactly what to say and do when my child whined or melted down in a public setting. Although Susie gave me tools, she taught me far more than that. Her parenting lessons guided me to focus on my self and my relationships with my children.
When I began to focus more on relationships and less on behaviors, parenting became so much easier. I dropped the stickers and charts. I know longer had to be the behavior police dolling out rewards and infractions every step of the way. I stopped lecturing, scolding, shaming, and comparing. I started to become more balanced and regulated. As I shifted, the kids became more balanced and regulated too.
Behaviors are a reflection of our inner experience. When dysregulated behaviors show up, this is a signal that something needs attention. If we try to stop the behavior, without uncovering what is driving behavior, we are likely to squash one problem behavior only to discover it gets replaced with another problem behavior. Yet when we approach behaviors through the lens of the parent - child relationship, and emotion and nervous system regulation, parents and children are more likely to create lasting transformation and change.
Over the last decade or so, like all dedicated family therapists, I have been committed to working on myself and how I am in all my relationships. Today, I aim to interact with my kids in a manner that reflects their innate value even when their behaviors need attention. I focus on listening, validating, empathizing, attuning, comforting, and nurturing. I also focus on leadership. structure, boundaries, limits, routines, and clear expectations.
I am far from perfect. I have moments that I revert back to old patterns. Yet, when we veer off course, we talk through it, make adjustments, confirm agreements, repair, and get back on track. My kids are teenagers now. I can see now, more than ever, how vital it is that my focus remain on the relationships I am forming with each of them, which will serve as a template for all relationships they will have throughout their life.
