Do you find yourself in the same fight over and over again?

My partner and I love hiking on an Encinitas trail with our dogs a few times a week. It is a great way for us to catch up on our kids, businesses and lives while enjoying nature. It is a part of my week that I always look forward to. Yet about a year ago, we had a very painful argument on that trail that I will always remember. 

I wish I could tell you that couples therapists never fight with their spouses and have perfect relationships. It does not work that way. The more couples I work with, the more I realize that all couples goes through periods of disconnection, fighting, tension or pulling away.

Often what separates the couples in great relationships, from the ones that end up divorcing or staying together miserably, is their ability to understand and have agency over what drives their disconnection. And, being able to repair after periods of fighting or tension.

Back to my story.

I don’t remember the content of our the fight. I do remember a specific moment of hopelessness as we discussed something we vehemently disagreed on. He was set on proving his point, and I was set on proving mine. I felt unheard and misunderstood. He did too.

We kept talking, each of us getting louder as we tried to get through. I don’t recall what he said, but all of a sudden, I was hit with a rising surge of hurt and anger.

I lashed out and said three words: I. Am. Done.

The moment the sounds left my mouth I wanted to delete them. I was not done with him. I was done with feeling awful at that precise moment. I needed the intensity to stop. I was flooded with emotion and my sympathetic nervous system took over. I did not have the capacity to explain with kindness that I wanted to pause our conversation.

He heard the words and took them literally. He thought I was done with our relationship. Or worse, he thought I was threatening him. Either way, my words hurt him and crossed a boundary.

He stopped walking. 

He turned away from me and began to head back the way we had come. I stood there, startled, as I watched him walk away. Next, he turned around to face me. I felt relief for a moment and thought he was going to come back to me. Instead, he said, “I will walk home on my own.”

Off he went.

I wanted to follow but I know what happens when he wants space and I pursue him; it never ends well. My heart was beating fast and it was hard to catch my breath. I felt tightness in my chest and tension in my body as he hiked off. Tears started to fall down my face.

What just happened? 

I have spent a considerable amount of time over the last decade helping couples and families strengthen relationships. As a couples therapist I am skilled at navigating hot emotions and the dramas of intimate love. If you have ever witnessed a couple unleash years of suppressed hurt upon emotional neglect in one hour segments, you will understand how vital it is that couples therapists be able to regulate their own emotions in the midst of relational storms.

I know how to move through tough moments with grace. I know how to ground myself so I can be a source of soothing for others. But not that day. 

Which leads us to the negative cycle. 

The negative cycle is a term used by EFT couples therapists to describe a disconnecting (and distressing) pattern of interaction that arises between partners. This cycle is driven by blocked or big emotions and unmet attachment needs. It is also influenced by nervous system responses, that serve a very important function, but are not effective in this context. 

The negative cycle develops slowly, over a period of months or years, often below our level of awareness. As time goes on it becomes more intense, rigid and predictable. The cycle is progressive and is likely to lead to increased relationship distress until it is compassionately seen, owned, dismantled and transformed, often with the help of a therapist.

When couples are caught in the negative cycle, things are bleak. If I was a fly on the wall during one of these cycles I would see partners fighting or shutting down. I might see each partner tossing back and forth criticism, contempt, judgment, blame, raised voices, dismissiveness, defensiveness, coldness, refusal to talk, avoidance, or walking away. 

Cycles can rage through like a hurricane and knock the couple around. Or they can sneak in quiet and stealth, robbing the couple of love and intimacy. When the cycle is present it is common for people to think harsh things about themselves, their partner, and the state of their relationship. 

You might be wondering if you have a negative cycle.

If you are in a long term love relationship you probably do. I have been doing cycle work for years and I have a negative cycle. The difference between where I sit now and where I was many years ago is that I know what my cycle is and I have agency over it. It may show up from time to time, yet I rarely get stuck in it for too long. Most importantly, I know how to repair after the cycle. 

So now that we have established that you likely have a negative cycle, let’s see if we can help you begin to discover it.

The first step is to reflect on your relationship and see if your fights seem to have a pattern to them. Maybe the topic or content of the fight changes. Yet you find yourself acting and feeling a very familiar way. Now think back to one particular time that things veered off course with your partner. Maybe you got into an argument. Or perhaps you really wanted connection but felt shut out. Choose one example to work with that remains unresolved. Once you have the scene up in your mind, with honesty and self-compassion, see if you can move through the following process.

What did you say and do?

What did you do or say, or not say or do, that contributed to the breakdown in your relationship? Most of what we see includes criticism, demanding, nagging, poking, accusing, scolding, yelling, being dismissive, staying highly logical, deflecting, refusing to talk, walking away or shutting down. We do these things to protect ourselves. Yet they create more disconnection and do not help us get what we want.

What were you feeling?

What emotion did you show? What emotions did you hide? Many times we show our anger or frustration and cover up, numb, hide, block or push away sadness, fear and hurt.

What was happening in your body?

What were you feeling in your body? Did you have tightness in your chest or stomach? Did your heart start racing, did you clench your jaw or fists? Did you get hot?

What were you protecting yourself from?

Often we do not want to feel hurt, sad, scared, shame or alone.

What did you want?

What did you you want that you could not ask for or easily talk about? What do you long for in this relationship? Often when we drop down to this place, most people say they want to be heard, valued, loved, connected with, prioritized, touched, and accepted. They want to know that they matter to their partner, they want to be there for their partner and want their partner to be there for them.

Cultivate empathy and compassion for your partner.

From a space of empathy and compassion what do you think was happening for your partner? What do you think they were feeling? How were they trying to protect themselves? How did what you said and did influence what they said and did? What do you think they wanted?

Identify the pattern. 

Can you identify a pattern? Most people discover that they have a fairly predictable pattern. The topic, content and situation may be different each time. Yet their interactions and internal states tend to be quite similar. The more this cycle happens over time the more disconnection and distress they feel. This pattern is what EFT therapists refer to as the cycle. On the surface we see behaviors. Below the behaviors are emotions and unmet attachment needs. It is in this deeper space that the potential for change lies.

Imagine doing it differently.

What would it look like for you to approach this exact same scenario again from a space of compassion and emotional responsiveness? Can you see yourself doing something different next time that may make things better (or at least won’t make things worse)? Close your eyes and see if you can have a re-do in your mind. What could you have said or done that could have slowed down the reactivity? What might you say or do that will likely to promote soothing and connection?

Take action.

Start by working on yourself, the way you approach your inner world and how you interact with your partner. Since couples are a system, one person can influence the system and create positive change. This may mean asking clearly for what you need or what, pausing or slowing down a conversation that is getting heated, or repairing after things go off course. Consider asking your partner to join you in working on this.

Back to me and my partner. 

Although we have learned how to get in front of our cycle it caught us that day. Maybe we were stressed, hungry and tired. Maybe we had been disconnected for weeks up until that moment. The good news is that we made a quick recovery. Once we had settled down, we talked through things and made agreements about how we want treat each other in the heat of the moment. Although we still end up in the negative cycle from time to time, I can say with integrity that we have created a new cycle that fosters love and effective communication, at least most of the time.

If you want to learn more, we are available to guide you through the process of seeing and shifting your cycle. You have the ability to create new patterns and cultivate a relationship that is uplifting and good for you and your partner. We would love to show you how.