Three steps toward creating a better relationship
If you are bogged down with fights, tension, coldness or general sense of dissatisfaction in your relationship it can be hard to see the light. This is particularly true if you have already tried couples therapy and things are not better. I have been gifted with the highest dose of optimism one can have when it comes to love and marriage. When others see a failing relationship, I see an opportunity for massive healing and growth. If you want to turn the obstacles you face in your relationship into a personal challenge to express the best version of yourself, keep reading. My hope is to break things down for you into three small easy steps you can take today.
The three steps
Get clear about what you want
Stop doing things that make things worse
Start doing things that make things better
Step One: Get clear about what you want
Begin by getting crystal clear about what kind of relationship you want. Can you imagine yourself being the best spouse you can be? Can you visualize and your partner coexisting in a way that brings about love, partnership, fulfillment and movement toward a good life? What does this look like? How do you show up? How does this feel? How is the rest of your life better as a result of creating a great relationship?
Pull our your journal and write down your vision for your relationship. What will your relationship be like in one year if you go all in to make it the best relationship possible? What about two years or ten years?
When you do this, the sky is the limit. Write down the best scenario possible. If you first version ends up being unrealistic, that is Ok. You can refine it and ground it in reality later.
When you write out your vision include: how you communicate, the ways you connect, how you dialogue through problems, how you navigate conflict, how you cope with stress, the way you repair after fights, what your sex life is like, what dates are like, the tone and culture of your dynamic, vacations, how you balance work and family, where you live, your lifestyle, what you model to your kids, your self care practices, how you take care of each other, your personal and relationship growth practices. The more detailed you can make your vision the better.
When I did this exercise last night it was quite enjoyable. I imagined us living full thriving lives while having a connected family life even as our kids are heading off to college. One thing I see in my vision is each of us solidly grounded as our individual selves pursuing our personal hopes and dreams. At the same time, I see us prioritizing our love and care through daily interactions, partnership, fun adventures, and family time.
What if your spouse is not in your relationship vision?
If you do not see your spouse in your vision, ask yourself this:
If you could wave a magic wand and create a great a relationship with your spouse, would your spouse be in your vision?
If the answer is yes, write it again and include you and your spouse showing up as the best versions of yourself.
If the answer is no, ask yourself if you are willing to spend six months working on yourself and your relationship to see what happens? If your answer is yes, then get to work!
If your answer is a still no, this is important information for you to pay attention to. Yet I still suggest you complete the exercise and see what you discover about yourself.
Step Two: Stop doing things to make things worse
As tempting as it might be to list out all the things your partner does to hurt the relationship, it is far more empowering to look at yourself (at least for right now). Most of the time both people are contributing to problems they face in their relationship. I assume you are reading this because you want to know what you can do to create a better relationship. Therefore, this article is focused on helping you take step steps toward change.
How are you contributing to the problems in your relationship?
When answering this question, give yourself lots of self-compassion. Then make a list of all the things that you say and do, or that you don’t say or do, that are make it less likely you will create what you have written down in your vision.
Here are some examples from my own list:
I frequently say no to dates and time together because I am too busy with work, kids, life.
I have a tendency to withdraw when I sense we are in a tough spot.
I bombard him with reassurance-seeking and advice-seeking related to my business.
I can become cold and distant when something is bothering me in the relationship.
My journal has more written down on it than this short list. I include how my habits around self-care, finances, social support impact us. I also include points related to sex, connection, intimacy, communication and parenting. The purpose of this exercise is to clearly look at and take responsibility for our part.
Pick one thing to stop doing
The reason I suggest that you start with one is because it can be overwhelming and self-defeating to try to make too many changes at one. After you have written out your list, circle the top three things you really want to stop doing. Then zero in on one thing you do that creates more distance and discord.
It could be that you want to stop- drinking, yelling, porn, leaving the house during a fight, hitting on single men/women, giving the silent treatment, refusing sex, or withdrawing love. Pick one that you know you can be successful in stopping. Do not pick something that is too far out of reach at this time. Then, make a commitment to stopping this thing. If you need an accountability buddy call up a best friend and tell them what you are working on and ask them to help keep you accountable.
For example, right now I am working on NOT going to him for business advice. This is really hard for me as the habit of going to him has been keenly developed over the last three years. I am starting with something I know I can actually change. I will tackle the other items once I am confident that this behavior is a thing of the past.
Step Three: Start doing things to make things better
Ok this is the fun part. There are so many ways we can bring love, connection, fun, joy and intimacy into our relationships. There are also ways we can develop communication skills and partnership. Write down all the things you know you can begin doing today to make things better.
Examples:
I will freely extend hugs, kisses, shoulder rubs and smiles.
I will practice pausing and processing my emotions when I feel hurt, sad, scared or angry.
I will regularly tell him what I appreciate about him.
I will space for him, his emotions and his stressors with compassion and curiosity.
Ok, you get it. Now, just like we did in the last exercise, pick just one thing to be intentional about today. If after a week (or however long it takes) you have gotten good at practicing, pick another one to start doing.
If you put this into practice and it works for you (or if it does not work for you), I would love to hear about it! Send me a note anytime at cristina@integrativecouplestherapy.com.
