CRISTINA TRETTE RELATIONSHIP THERAPY
  • Home
  • About
  • Counseling
    • Couples Therapy
    • Family Therapy
    • Individual Therapy
  • Blog
    • Couples and relationships
    • Parenting and Family
    • Wellness and Wellbeing
  • Work With Me
  • Integrative Family Therapy

Is infidelity a deal breaker?

7/26/2018

1 Comment

 
Picture


​When looking at relationships, I view struggle as part of the relational process that can lead to immense growth. Staying together, and working through the hard times when you really want to leave, is part of what can make a beautiful and lasting love.

As a general philosophy, this is an optimistic view, and one that holds both partners in a positive light regardless of what difficulties they are facing. It also contains three important premises:

  1. Adversity will arise within marriage and long term partnerships
  2. We are inherently driven to learn, grow, and evolve when faced with adversity
  3. Staying in the relationship during and after adversity, can become a powerful vehicle for personal and relationship growth

Despite my optimism, there are deal breakers. In some situations, leaving the relationship will be the healthiest choice a person can make. I would not suggest those who are experiencing physical and emotional abuse, for example, to stay for the sake of love and growth. If you are in this situation, seek professional help immediately.

Other situations, however, are not as black and white. Those who have experienced infidelity, will likely grapple in deciding whether to stay or go.

Infidelity is a complex subject. And the decision about whether or not to stay in a marriage is even more complex. When considering vows, children, finances, extended family, religion, community involvement, social status and all the other factors involved in a decision like this, we can quickly see why this is a decision that can only be made by those going through it.

People who have been cheated on will say they feel a combination of hurt, anger, betrayal, and jealousy. The intensity can range from being moderately painful to becoming full blown despair, rage, and grief. Some have symptoms that we usually see in individuals suffering with depression or trauma. The latter is more likely to be true if the one being cheated on has a history of being cheated on, or had a parent stray from the marriage.

Infidelity chips away at, or breaks apart entirely, the foundation of commitment, trust, respect, and life long partnership. It tests the ability to feel safe and secure within self and the relationship.

The circumstances surrounding the infidelity matter. A partner caught with no intention of ending the affair is an entirely different situation than a partner ending the affair and wanting to work hard to save the marriage. A single one night stand, that is an isolated incident, is likely to land differently than affairs that lasted months or years. Other details are important too. Multiple hidden affairs tend to be devastating to the relationship. And if the stepping out spouse still has contact with his/her lover, repair will be excruciatingly difficult (if not impossible).

Healing after infidelity is a slow and challenging process best done with the guidance of a couple therapist who specializes in couple therapy.

Yet there is hope.

As painful as it is, infidelity can draw both partners into a space that begs them to dive deep into the discovery of what they both need and want, as individuals and as partners.

As easy as it is to point the finger and blame at the person who had the affair, it will be important to explore,

What led the person to step out?

Boredom? Sexual desire? Lack of self-discipline? Low moral compass?

Perhaps there are all sorts of reasons why people have affairs. But, I am going to focus on one possible reason:

Bonding and connection are missing from from the relationship.

We are wired to partner up and create a secure bond with another person. The bond itself becomes a safe haven and a foundation from which to venture through life. Many have never learned how to create a secure bond in their relationship. They long for it, but fumble in their attempts to get it.

We need connection as much as we need food, water, and shelter. But connection can easily be trumped by stressful careers, financial responsibilities, multiple children, demanding schedules, and all the activities and aspects of modern family life.

Years can go by in a marriage without much laughter, touch, attention, presence, eye contact, deep conversation, vulnerable expression, intimacy, or sex. These moves tend to happen with frequency in the beginning of a relationship but sometimes fade away.

If the need for connection is not met within the love relationship, or in another healthy way that respects the relationship, many find connection through food, alcohol, video games, porn, or masturbation.

For others, connection happens through an affair.

Am I excusing infidelity?

No.

Personal responsibility, ideally, will guide one to take action and do what it takes to get his or her needs met in a way that is healthy and honoring of their relationship. Yet, I know this is not as easy as it sounds. All sorts of people are yearning for more connection but do not know how to get it.

In situations in which affairs have already occurred, it is normal and appropriate to be consumed with analyzing, “do I stay in this relationship or is infidelity a dealbreaker?”.

For those who want to stay together after infidelity there is immense hope.

For those who decide to walk away from each other after infidelity there is immense hope.

Yet, I will end with offering a third option. This decision does not need to be made right away. Do the work first, within yourself and with your spouse. Learn what it means to create a secure bond and deep connection. Then decide. No matter how dark it gets, positive transformation within the relationship can occur. Many couples never get to experience a deeply fulfilling relationship because they leave each other when it gets really hard.

Adversity creates the perfect opportunity to connect, come together, expand awareness, open hearts, and slow down. To learn more about how to create secure bonding and connection within your marriage, read the books “Hold me Tight” or “Love Sense” written by Dr. Sue Johnson or visit http://iceeft.com/.

Cristina Trette is the Co-Founder of Elevating Connection which brings relationship education and experiences to couples. To learn more visit  www.cristinatrette.com and www.elevatingconnection.com.

1 Comment
sophia
4/16/2020 07:56:51 am

it's sad when your husband is having love affairs with your best friend, i noticed my husband is getting too much closer with my friend Rita, my husband chats now in private,his calls are in secret and he changed his phone password, I was wondering what going wrong, on till my sister introduced me to (hacksecrete @ gmail . com) call or text him on +1 (617) 402-2260 he help me to hack my husband phone, without touching his phone, in less than 2 hours after his phone was finally hacked, his messages coming into my phone instantly. he can also improve dept on credit cards you can contact him if you have similar issue' his services are his services are affordable

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Follow me at:


    Picture

    Parents and Family


    Want to stop flipping out on your kids? Try this...
    Seven ways to stop overwhelmed parenting 
    It starts with you
    Nine ways to be a more positive parent
    Visualize your way to more effective parenting
    Why your kid may be acting out
    Change your thoughts, change your parenting
    Two things I wish I had done when I became a mother
    Eight steps to yell less
    Five ways to be a happier parent now
    How to take an adult time out with grace
    Practicing mindfulness as a couple after baby is born

    Couples and Relationships


    Learning to trust your partner
    ​Turning towards your partner
    How to get her in bed (after marriage and kids)
    The pledge that turned things around
    Is infidelity a deal breaker? 

    Personal Well-Being


    Connecting to what makes you feel alive
    Can we have it all?

Make An Appointment

You are welcome to schedule a free twenty minute consultation appointment by texting Cristina Trette at 858-337-6124 or emailing her at cristina@cristinatrette.com. Or, click the button below to request an appointment now. For consultations, please note that only one person will schedule and attend the meeting.
Request Appointment

Picture
Picture
Cristina Trette, MA, LMFT 117148 is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with the Board of Behavioral Sciences in the State of California. Content on this website is for information and educational purposes only and is not to be considered Marriage and Family Therapy.
​
  • Home
  • About
  • Counseling
    • Couples Therapy
    • Family Therapy
    • Individual Therapy
  • Blog
    • Couples and relationships
    • Parenting and Family
    • Wellness and Wellbeing
  • Work With Me
  • Integrative Family Therapy