How to get her in bed (after marriage and kids)

By: Cristina Trette

What happens when one partner wants sex and his wife or long term lover is rarely in the mood? A healthy sex life is part of what makes up a thriving relationship and general feelings of well-being. When one or both partners are feeling unsatisfied in this area, this can trigger the beginning of a downward spiral that does not end up very well. 

As I researched this subject, I had a difficult time finding a current and reliable source that offers statistics on low sex or sexless marriages. If you come across the current research, email me. A 2003 Newsweek article stated that 15% to 20% of couples who are married with kids have sex less than 10 times a year, which translates to around 20 million couples not having much sex. If you talk to marriage and family therapists, or even your friends for that matter, most will share anecdotal evidence that this number is probably much higher. 

Many couples report wanting a better sex life. But with children, careers, lack of sleep, endless household duties, financial pressures, and all of the other energy drainers that come with modern family life, sexual desire can begin to fade away. This is normal. But normal does not necessarily mean acceptable. Alas, problems arise when one wants it more or the other wants it less. And if you become complacent, not much is likely to change.

It is more common to hear men complaining about not getting enough sex, which is why this article is for men. But don't worry guys, I have another article on its way that offers ideas for the ladies too! Since you are in a partnership, the ideal situation is that you and your lady work together to spice things up. Yet, there are plenty of things you can do now to get your wife back in bed soon. Keep reading!

1. No more keeping score 

Outside of role play, feeling pressured or obligated to have sex with a man because he bought dinner, because he supports her while she stays home to care for the baby, or because he is suddenly showering her with attention, is a turn off. The moment a woman feels manipulated or coerced into sex, she will feel used and lose interest. Instead of expecting sex in return for providing or "good behavior" shift your focus towards wanting to strengthen the bond and times of joy you have with your wife. The actions below are great ways to reconnect at an emotional and relational level, and by doing this, you are highly likely to spice up your sex life too. 

2. Get real about what you really want and need

Sex feels good and its fun. You want it. Heck, you might even need it. The sensations that comes from build up and orgasm are highly pleasurable and rewarding in the brain. But it's not just about the sex. The underlying needs (for connection, attention, and touch) are likely screaming to be tended to. There is deep comfort that comes from being physically close and emotionally bonded to your woman. Sex is just one of the ways we get these needs met. 

3. Building security allows you to take risks 

The excitement and passion that comes with new love ensures the survival of our species. When falling in love, our brain pumps out high amounts of the feel good brain chemical serotonin and the bonding brain chemical oxytocin which translates to new couples loving every single moment together for about 18 months. This is just long enough to conceive and birth a  baby. Once the brain chemicals dip back to baseline many couples report missing the exhilaration they experienced when they were first together. The key to getting some of these feelings back around your sex life is to take risks, create novelty, and seek out variety with your woman. If you use your imagination, I am sure you can think of some fun things to do! But here is the kicker! Your wife probably won't be up for being naughty with you if she is not feeling deeply loved, cherished, and cared for. Start now with building a secure bond and create a foundation of deep respect, love and connection. 

4. Be vulnerable

Nothing is sexier to a woman than seeing a strong and masculine man open up about soft feelings. Share some of your frustrations and fears with her. Allow her to be there for you. Most woman are very attracted to men who are vulnerable, who have an appreciation of their inner world, and put forth ongoing effort toward self growth. 

5. Hear her

She wants to be vulnerable too. Hold the space for her to talk about her feelings and really listen to what she has to say. Most of the time she does not want fixing or problem solving. She wants to know that her feelings are important to you, that you care about what she is going through, and that you are there for her - no matter what. 

6. Flirt with her

Like you did when you first met. Give her a hug and kiss when you walk in the door after work, be playful, dance with her, give her a love swat on her bum, get her to laugh, look into her eyes and smile, or send naughty texts when you are at work. This is the woman you decided to partner with. Give her lots and lots of love and attention.

7. Tease her

Throw in some moves here and there. Not all the time and not too much. Just enough to be playful and create excitement. When she walks past you in the hallway, on her way to put the kids to sleep, push her up against the wall, move in close, and tell her how great she looks tonight or how much you love her. When you hear the kids call out "mom", which they will because they seem to have a radar on adult enjoyment, pull away with smile and a look that lets her know how much she turns you on. Or, when she is taking off her clothes to get in the shower, come up behind her for a moment, move her hair to the side, and kiss the back of her neck. Most women love to be taken by their man and get very turned on when he is assertive and masculine. And, a little bit of push and pull now mimics the intensity you felt when you first started dating. 

8. Ravish her when you can and take the lead

Yep, its true, sometimes women just want to taken by their man man. These days, with schedules drummed in, kids waking you up in the middle of the night, and a to-do list that never ends, spontaneity has likely been swapped with bone numbing routine and the grind. It's time to bring back spontaneity. Remember, the more connected you are on an emotional level, the riskier, naughtier, and more playful you can be. Ravish her when she is not expecting it or sneak in a quicky when you can. Take the lead and suggest you try out some role plays. Or, ask her to share some of her fantasies, and you can decide together as couple, whether or not you want to play them out. 

9. Massage her

Quick shoulder rubs are fantastic. To take it up a notch put the kids to sleep, light some candles, bring out the oil, and give her a full body massage. Do this with the genuine intention of wanting her to feel good and relax. Do not try to have sex with her! Just let her relax. This will allow her to open up to you even more. She might fall asleep, and if she does, be ok with it. What goes around comes around, but do not expect anything in return! The moment you expect something in return is the moment that her desire will diminish. 

10. Help more with kids or housework

Lighten her load. If she is telling you she is too tired to have sex, she means it! With work and babies and all the day-to-day obligations of motherhood she probably needs a break. One day, when you get home from work, send her to the tub with a glass of wine while you cook dinner. Or, figure out another way to get your family more support through babysitters, grandparents, teenager mothers helpers, etc. Do not make the mistake of expecting sex in the return for this (see number 1)! Remember all of these actions are attempts to strengthen your bond and relationship which tends to equal more sex. 

11. If she continues to refuse, stop pursuing for awhile

If the more you try to get her to have sex, the more uninterested she becomes, then stop trying. You may have to spend weeks or months re-building your bond and friendship. Give it time and see what happens if you drop the sex agenda for awhile. Some couples get stuck in a pursue - distance pattern. And often, all it takes to stop the pattern is for the pursuing to stop pursing. 

12. Talk to her, and if all else fails, get support

If you have never talked about your feelings around sex, now is a good time to start. Talking may be enough to turn things around. If you try all of these tips, and nothing changes, consider receiving support from a coach  or psychotherapist. To learn more about the couples workshop I teach, email me now.  

If you try this, and it is helpful, I want to hear from you! Please leave comments below or email me anytime. 

Cristina Trette is a Life Coach who specializes in working with busy professionals who want to experience more success, joy, and fulfillment in the areas of relationships, parenting, career, and overall health and well-being.